


Timid and Unsure

by Katrus



Series: Educational [1]
Category: Steins;Gate
Genre: Bisexuality, Consensual, Dialogue Heavy, Dubious Consent Due To Identity Issues, F/F, F/M, Multi, Other, Polyamory, Queer Friendly, Questioning, Sex Education, Transgender, Transsexuality, Upa - Freeform, non-binary, pansexuality
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-07 16:00:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11626956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katrus/pseuds/Katrus
Summary: Ruka is not sure if they're a boy or a girl. They want to become a girl, biologically, but don't want to not be a boy. Things are complicated. Mayuri is the only one who understands, even though she's not unsure of her gender herself. Ruka can always talk to Mayuri when they're confused. There's just one problem for Ruka: They have a thing for Mayuri. On top of that, Mayuri and Faris are a couple, and Ruka is way too timid and unsure about themselves to confess to Mayuri. Or are they? They did find the courage to confess to Kyoma, didn't they? Or was that just a dream?





	Timid and Unsure

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own anything of Steins;Gate.
> 
> Author's Note:  
> In this fanfic Ruka will be referred to by singular "they". I'm not used to use singular "they", so it may happen that I accidentally write "she", "he", "her", "him", "hers", "his" when referring to Ruka. Please tell me if I accidentally do!
> 
> Btw, this story is meant to be really dialogue heavy. I'm not used to that at all, so it may sound forced from time to time.

Ruka was, again, alone in The Future Gadget Lab when Mayuri arrived. They're always alone when Mayuri arrives, if they're not arriving together with Mayuri.

"Tuturu!"  
  
"Oh, hi Mayuri."  
  
"Is everything alright? You look sad." Mayuri stated.  
  
"I-it's the same as usual. I can never make decisions. I don't know what I want... I don't know who I am..."  
  
"Don't worry Ruka; Mayushi will try to comfort you." Mayuri said, sat down on the sofa, next to Ruka, and put a hand on their thigh.  
  
"Please don't..." Ruka nervously whispered as they looked down at Mayuri's hand.  
  
"Oh, you don't want me to have my hand here?" Mayuri blenched.  
  
Ruka nodded.  
  
"Okay then." Mayuri continued, and retrieved her hand, "Do you want me to have my hand on your shoulder instead?"  
  
"No... I don't want to be touched right now. It's okay though, you comfort me just by sitting here."  
  
"Okay, what do you have at heart?"  
  
Ruka looked nervous. They closed their eyes to not start to cry and then let their eyes fall down on their thighs before answering "I don't know who I am."  
  
"You're Ruka..."  
  
"I know. But... I don't know if I want to be like this. To look like this.", Ruka started to sound even more nervous but also a bit upset.  
  
"What do you mean? You're such a nice person, no matter how you look. You're humble, kind, friendly..."  
  
"That's not what I mean!" Ruka exclaimed with distress.  
  
Mayuri flinched a little; she wasn't prepared for Ruka to sound so distressful.  
  
"Then what do you mean? You have to explain to Mayushi. Mayushi is not sure what you're thinking about."  
  
"S-sorry..."  
  
Mayuri gave Ruka a look of concern, "Please Ruka. Tell me what's wrong."  
  
Ruka took a deep breath, "I don't know how to explain this but... I'm not sure if I was meant to be a boy."  
  
"Oh... But I knew that already. You told us, remember?" Mayuri pointed out with a smile.  
  
Ruka hesitated before saying "Yeah, I remember. But that doesn't help me..."  
  
"How do you want me to help you then?"  
  
"I don't know..."  
  
"I can listen to you. If you want to?"  
  
Ruka was quiet, still looking down at their thighs.  
  
"Ruka? Please tell me what's wrong, so that I can help you." Mayuri pleaded with concern.  
  
Ruka tried to not start to cry, but in some way they managed to talk, "I don't know if I want to be a boy and to have... You know..."  
  
"Know what?"  
  
"You know... If I want to have... T-that..."  
  
"Have what? I don't understand. Ruka, you're being so vague."  
  
"I don't know if I want to have that!" Ruka, almost, exclaimed.  
  
"That what?"  
  
"That thing. Please Mayuri, try to understand..."  
  
"I'm all lost on this one."  
  
"For God's sake Mayuri. That thing that I have... And you don't."  
  
Mayuri pondered for a moment.  
  
"A purple upa?"  
  
"Mayuri... Are you just playing with me?"  
  
"No... Sorry that I don't get it. Please tell me."  
  
"Okay... Well... I'm not sure that I want to have t-this... This genitalia..." Ruka finally managed to say. But Mayuri still looked a bit confused, "Penis. Okay?" they emitted.  
  
"Oh, why didn't you say that from the beginning?"  
  
"Because... Never mind."  
  
"So, what's wrong with it?"  
  
"There's nothing wrong with it. I guess. It's just that I want to be a girl."  
  
"So, you don't want to be a boy any more?"  
  
"I don't know..."  
  
"Then, what do you want to be?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Okay... It is okay to only be Ruka, you know. You don't have to be either one Ruka or the other Ruka if you don't want to."  
  
"Mayuri..." Ruka whispered and really looked like they were about to cry.  
  
"Yes? Something else is wrong?"  
  
There wasn't something wrong. It was just that Mayuri had said exactly what they needed to hear, that they don't have to choose, they can just be Ruka, simple as that.  
  
"No. I just... I don't know what to say. Even though you don't seem to understand things... You are always the one who gets the whole picture in the end."  
  
"So, does that mean that you feel better now?", Mayuri looked delighted.  
  
"Yes. Thank you Mayuri. I don't know what I would do without you. But I'm still not good. I'm still not sure if I want to be 'one Ruka' or 'the other Ruka', or if I can be 'both Ruka' in some way."  
  
"I'm glad I could help you. Don't forget to ask Mayushi next time you have problems, too." she said cheerfully.  
  
"Thanks Mayuri. Thanks."  
  
"Here, hug this upa cushion." Mayuri smiled to Ruka, and put her upa cushion at their lap. Ruka hugged it, and shed some tears, partly tears of sadness, partly tears of joy.


End file.
